


You Have Guac to be Kidding Me

by Ninja_Librarian



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe-Modern Setting, And he has a cat named Red, Autistic Keith (Voltron), Bisexual Keith, Keith's wolf is now a german shepherd named Cosmo, M/M, Pansexual Lance, Shidge is in the background and established, implied - Freeform, meet cute
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 16:43:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15100865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ninja_Librarian/pseuds/Ninja_Librarian
Summary: Keith really didn't want to go to this party. But the Taco-Shirt Guy makes him kind of glad he came.Lance was expecting to meet this elusive friend of Pidge's at the party. He just didn't expect him to be hot, grumpy, and wearing a taco shirt.





	You Have Guac to be Kidding Me

“Wow…” Shiro said dryly, eyebrow arched as he looked at Keith’s t-shirt. “Is your ‘I Hate Humans’ shirt in the wash?”

“I tried to talk him out of it!” Krolia called from the kitchen table, where she was drinking coffee from the ‘Tears of my Students’ mug Keith had gifted her for Christmas a number of years before and grading papers.

Keith frowned, tugging self-consciously on the hem of his t-shirt that was underneath the unbuttoned black-and-red check flannel shirt. “Shut up. Both of you. You know I don’t want to go to this party, Shiro.”

“Because there’s going to be strangers.”

“Because there’s going to be strangers and because it’s going to be loud and because the only two people I know are going to immediately ditch me to go make out in a corner somewhere.”

“Pidge and I aren’t going to ditch you to make out in a corner somewhere,” Shiro said. He grinned in a slightly mischievous way. “We plan on having you sit on the couch beside us and hold our drinks while we make out.”

“Ha ha, very funny,” Keith said sarcastically. “You’re killing me, Shiro. No, seriously, don’t make me go…”

“Come on, Pidge’s friends are cool, you’ll like them. I promise, the noise and crowd level will be about what it was when you came to my soccer games in high school, but with cheaper food available,” Shiro said. “Now come on, or we’re going to be late.”

Keith grumbled but went to grab his keys and phone off the kitchen counter, sticking each in their respective pockets. He paused by the back of his mother’s chair, leaning down to kiss her on the cheek and said, “Pray for me. And know that I, your dear, one and only son, love you, my dear, darling mother, with all my heart and soul. Let that be a great comfort to you in these troubling times.”

“For quiznak’s sake, Keith, you little drama queen, it’ll do you good to get out of the house for a little bit, get out of my hair.” Krolia said, rolling her eyes, but with no malice in her voice. She caught Keith’s chin briefly to press a kiss to his cheek. “You’ll be fine.”

“No, I won’t, and I want ‘I told you so’ put on my tombstone,” Keith said as he reached down to scratch Cosmo, their black German Shepherd, behind the ears. Shiro snorted at that and Keith glared at him. “I wouldn’t be braving this stupid party if it weren’t for you. Whatever happens tonight, it’s on your head. And Pidge’s, too.”

“It’s a party, Keith, not the Hunger Games. You’ll come home alive, I promise.” Shiro said. “Or, worse, you’ll have fun.”

“It’s going to be sensory hell, there’s going to be drunk people everywhere, and I swear that if someone pukes on me or a single butt touches me, I’ll…”

“You’ll what?”

“I’ll have plenty of time to think of something. All night long, in fact.”

“Can you try to enjoy yourself at least for a few seconds tonight? And if you get there and it’s too much, I promise I’ll take you straight back here.”

“I will try but I doubt I’ll succeed.”

“Right,” Shiro said. “Night, Dr. Kwan!”

“Do bring my son back in one piece, Takashi. I prefer him that way and he’s useless otherwise,” Krolia said.

“Thank you for the support, Mother,” Keith called dryly as he and Shiro left the apartment.

Ten minutes later, they had arrived at the house where the party was being held. Pidge was waiting for them on the front porch, sitting on the porch swing sipping from a can of soda. She jumped to her feet when she saw Shiro and Keith arrive, rushing down to throw her arms around her boyfriend, kissing him.

 _Ugh._ Keith thought. _It has begun…_

Did his friends have to be so disgustingly cute and smooch every time they saw each other after being apart? Seriously, he had once seen them kiss passionately after Shiro went to the bathroom and was gone for, like, maybe three whole minutes.

Sure he had gone through a whole lot of effort to get them together, along with Pidge’s older brother Matt. And most of the time he was proud of his wingman success. Until it no longer benefited him. Case in point, he was invited to a party.

“Hey Keith!” Pidge said once she had disengaged her mouth from Shiro’s. Suddenly, her grin got bigger and she threw back her head with a laugh. “Oh my God, Keith! That shirt!”

“I’m hoping it’ll keep strangers at bay,” Keith said, hand once again brushing over his t-shirt self-consciously.

“Oh my God, this is too perfect!” Pidge cackled. She reached over and grabbed Keith’s wrist, pulling him up the stairs. “Come on, he’s going to get a kick out of this…”

“Who is?” Keith asked, cringing as Pidge dragged him into the party. Keith begrudgingly and pleasantly noted that it was not, in fact, as bad as he thought it would be inside; the house was large enough that people were spread out. However, the music was loud for Keith’s taste and he could was having trouble hearing things clearly Pidge seemed to know where she was going, and let out a short, pleased exclamation before suddenly changing direction.

Pidge led him towards a small group of people, particularly zeroing in on one tall boy with bronze skin, brown hair and the bluest eyes Keith had ever seen. Pidge called something out, but Keith was too distracted by nearly bumped into by another girl that he didn’t quite hear what Pidge said. Chance? Vance? He knew she had a friend with a name similar to that, and she had told him about him before, but for the life of him, he couldn’t remember the guy’s exact name.

“Hey, Pidge!” The boy said. “This that friend you were talking about?”

“Yep, this is the Keith of legend,” Pidge said, grinning as she shoved Keith in front of her. “And take a look at his shirt!”

Keith watched as the boy’s eyes widened and then he started laughing almost hysterically.

“That’s perfect!” He said. “Dude, come here, we need to snap a selfie of this brilliant planetary alignment!”

Keith didn’t quite understand at first.

And then he took a good long look at the boy’s t-shirt.

It was a dark blue with a chipper-looking anthropomorphic taco with a mustache and a slogan that said **LET’S TACO-BOUT IT!**

Keith suddenly got what was so funny.

He looked down at his own shirt, red with a grumpy-looking taco that proclaimed **I DON’T WANT TO TACO-BOUT IT**.

Keith tensed up and scowled as the blue-eyed boy threw an arm around his shoulders, grinning widely at the cellphone that he held in his hand, arm extended out for the selfie.

“Dude, that’s perfect!” The boy said, skimming through the resulting selfies. “Nice touch, pretending to be grumpy.”

“I’m not pretending,” Keith said bitterly.

Yeah, he should have stayed in his apartment, with his mom, and his dog, and his cat, and his pajamas and reruns of _NCIS_ and ice-cream.

At least taco-shirt guy was cute…

*****

 _The taco-shirt guy is cute,_ Lance thought. _Even if he is a grumpy taco._

“Hey, man, mind if I put this selfie on Snapchat and Instagram? Give me your usernames so I can tag you.”

“I… don’t use Snapchat. Or Instagram.” Keith said hesitantly.

“Facebook?” Lance asked hopefully. _Come on, give me a bone here dude, I’ve got to be able to social media stalk you just a little bit, figure out which team you play for and make sure you’re not a secret serial killer or something. And see your selfies._

“I have a Facebook account, but I don’t really use it,” Keith admitted.

“Keith here is a little socially challenged,” Pidge said, gently patting Keith on the arm.

Keith frowned at that. “Am not.”

“Your shirt says otherwise,” Shiro said, coming up behind Pidge and Keith, resting his hand on Pidge’s shoulder.

Cute but reclusive. Pidge had told him about the latter part, but she couldn’t have given him some warning about the former?

“Is it cool if I upload these?” Lance asked again, shaking his phone slightly. Keith nodded.

Grinning, Lance took the opportunity. Before opening Twitter or SnapChat, he opened his texts, quickly shooting one to Pidge.

Across from him, Pidge’s phone dinged and she pulled it out, smirking slightly at his message before sending one back.

 _Yes, he’s into guys,_ She responded. _And he’s single. Go for it._

Lance grinned, then he grabbed Keith by the wrist. “Come on, we’ve got to go show this to my friend Hunk!”

*****

Okay, Keith could admit it. He was kind of glad he came to this party. And glad that Taco-Shirt Guy had decided to make it his mission to stick by Keith’s side the entire night. Though they were still practically strangers, Keith was slowly getting to know more of the Latino.

Keith knew that Taco-Shirt Guy was studying marine biology based on a love for the ocean from spending summers playing and surfing on Cuba’s beaches. Meanwhile, Taco-Shirt Guy learned that Keith was an double-major as an art history and library and information science student, with the goal of someday being a museum curator and art restorer. Keith learned that Taco-Shirt Guy was attending school on a swimming scholarship while Taco-Shirt Guy was stunned to learn that, yes, Keith’s mom was _that_ Dr. Krolia Kwan, the scary English 101 professor who was known to return papers covered in red ink and biting sarcastic commentary.

They didn’t know everything about each other, but Keith couldn’t remember the last time he made a friend. He’d known Shiro most of his life, and Matt and Pidge came into his life somewhere between fifth and ninth grade. He had three friends and two loyal animal companions, what else could he have possibly needed?

But he also knew that both his brain and his heart were shouting at him to kiss the cute taco-shirt guy already, especially after Taco-Shirt Guy oh-so-casually mentioned that he was pan, and Keith knew he sounded like a dork with his quick declaration of being bi himself, and feeling his cheeks heat as Taco-Shirt Guy’s smile seemed to grow a little bigger at that.

Keith knew it was getting late, but was surprised when he got a text from his mother. He opened the message to get a selfie of Krolia holding their cat, Red, with Cosmo beside her, tongue lolling out of his mouth. The text itself read: _Hey, party animal, you actually planning on coming home tonight or do I need to call the cops and tell them that my son was kidnapped by a whole bunch of wild partying college students? Either way, I’ll wait up for you._ What followed was a long stream of heart emojis.

“My mom,” He said simply with a small, slightly shy smile when he looked up. “I should probably head home. She pretends not to, but she worries.”

“Moms are good at that,” Taco-Shirt Guy said. “Mine’s always texting me. But I’m also the first to go to college more than an hour away, so that’s probably why.”

“I can’t imagine doing that, even if it’s just for school,” Keith said, quickly sending his mom a response.

“You two are very close?”

“Yeah,” Keith said with a nod. “It’s always been the two of us. My dad was a firefighter and died when I was three, so I don’t really remember him that much. It’s always been Mom and me. She finished her doctorate as a single mom, and has gotten us both through a lot of crap. Even if I wanted to leave and go somewhere else, I wouldn’t, because I don’t want her to be alone. And I’d miss her too much.”

Taco-Shirt Guy was quiet for a moment and Keith started kicking himself.

He had said too much, hadn’t he?

He just spilled his guts about how much he loves his mom and a whole bunch of other personal stuff and he’d just gone way too far and now—

“You know,” Taco-Shirt Guy said, snapping him out of his reverie. He grinned at Keith. “For someone whose shirt says that he doesn’t wanna taco ‘bout it, you sure don’t mind taco-ing about it.”

*****

Keith chuckled and Lance’s heart did jumping jacks. God, could this guy get any hotter? 

“Well, if you’re heading out, let me do one more thing real quick,” Lance said, pulling out his own phone. “What’s your number?”

Keith rattled it off and Lance plugged in the digits. Keith’s phone dinged in his hand, and he opened the message, smiling at the selfie of the two of them.

“Figured that, since you don’t have your own social media, you need a way to make sure you remember tonight,” Lance said. He put on a smirk and said in a mock-lofty voice, using both hands to gesture towards himself, “And this gorgeous face, of course.”

“Thanks,” Keith said. “Actually, thanks a lot. I really didn’t want to come here tonight, because the only people I know are Shiro and Pidge, but you’ve made tonight really fun. I stayed way longer than I thought I would, which, you should know, totally beats my last record at a party—which was thirty minutes in third grade and I would have stayed longer and actually have cake but there was a clown, so...”

“Say no more,” Lance said, holding up a hand to stop him. “I don’t blame you one bit for that. Not knowing the clown situation is a very good reason to abstain from future parties.”

“Yeah, but from what little Pidge has told me about you, I’ve spent most of my night with one anyway.”

Lance scowled, eyes narrowed. “I’m gonna kill that little gremlin.”

“Don’t you dare!” Keith said, pointing a finger in Lance’s face, eyes dead serious and Lance would have taken a step back from him if he was currently sitting on porch railing. “I worked my butt off to get her and Shiro together! Don’t you dare screw up my OTP!”

“Okay, okay, okay!” Lance said, holding up his hands in surrender. “The Pigeon will live to snark another day.”

Keith moved back, evidently satisfied. He pushed himself off the railing as well, boots landing on the porch with a heavy thump. “I really do have to get going. It was nice meeting you.”

“Nice meeting you, too,” Lance said. “And, uh, hey.” Keith looked at him with a bit of confusion and Lance flashed him a dazzling smile. “How about we hang out. Without a party in the background.”

“Like… Like a date?”

“Exactly like a date.” Lance said. He winked and shot finger-guns at Keith. “Call me.”

Keith smiled and nodded. “Will do.”

With that, he said goodnight and walked away.

Once he was out of sight, Lance did a happy dance, which he quickly regretted as he fell backwards off the railing into the bush. Even as he was spitting out leaves and brushing dirt off of himself, though, he was happy.

He couldn’t wait for his phone to ring.

*****

“The prodigal son returns,” Krolia commented, looking up from her book as Keith closed the door behind him. She was sitting on the couch with her feet propped up, Cosmo at her feet and Red on the back of the couch, both animals sound asleep. Krolia put a bookmark in her book and removed her glasses. “So. I’m guessing by the hour that you did actually enjoy yourself, despite your vehement protests that you wouldn’t.”

“Yeah, I had fun,” Keith said, flopping down in the armchair. He pulled out his phone. “Made a new friend.”

He showed his mother the selfie Taco-Shirt Guy had taken, and Krolia put her reading glasses back on as she looked at the screen. She laughed when she saw the shirts. “Nice.” Her eyebrows raised suddenly. “I think I remember him from when he took 101 with me.”

“Any chance you remember his name?” Keith asked hopefully. His mother scoffed.

“Kiddo, you’re lucky I remember your name at the end of every semester,” Krolia said. “I just remember that he was a good student. Why do you ask?”

“Uh, no reason,” Keith said. He wasn’t going to admit that he didn’t even know the guy’s name. “Just wanted to see if you remembered. He remembers you. He’s terrified of you, as a matter of fact.”

“As he should be,” Krolia said, handing her phone back to him. She smiled at her son. “So? This is your new friend?”

“Yeah,” Keith said.

“He’s a cutie…”

“I’m well aware, Mom.” He looked down at his shoes and said, “He, uh, he wants me to call him. To go out on a date.”

“Well are you?”

“Not tonight, it’s too late and I think he’s still at the party. But, tomorrow? Definitely.”

Krolia looked pleased with this.

Keith stood up and kissed his mother on the head, then gave Red some chin scritches and pet Cosmo’s head. “I’m going to head to bed. You staying up much longer?”

“Only going to finish this chapter,” Krolia said, holding up her book.

“Sure, that’s what you always say. Then I find you passed out on this couch, too tired to go to your own bed after staying up to finish the whole book.”

“Alright, Mister Sassy-pants, I get your point. I really will finish just this chapter then go to bed, okay?”

“Okay. Good-night, Mom.”

“’Night, Keith.”

Keith was changed for bed, and under the covers, with Cosmo coming in to press against his side. He was drifting off to sleep, completely and perfectly happy and looking forward to calling Taco-Shirt Guy and—

His eyes snapped open and he stared at the ceiling, heart pounding and dread filling him.

Not only did he never get Taco-Shirt Guy’s name, he had completely forgotten to get Taco-Shirt Guy’s number…

*****

Lance glared at his phone, eyes boring into the screen, willing for it to come alive with an incoming call.

“A watched pot never boils, Lance,” Hunk commented beside him. “Also, you really shouldn’t walk and have your face in your phone. You’ll walk into a tree or something then I’ll have to hear about how you’ve ruined your ‘beautiful, perfect, proof-of-God’s-existence face’.”

“You don’t get it, Hunk!” Lance groaned, sticking his phone back in his pocket and adjusting his backpack. “He said he’d call! And that was Friday night! It’s Tuesday and you know what happened? All weekend? Nothing. No calls, no texts, nothing!”

“So why don’t you call him?” Hunk suggested. “You have his number.”

“No, because then I’d look desperate and pathetic.”

“You usually are desperate and pathetic.”

“Why are you my best friend again? No, seriously, Hunk, remind me.”

Hunk rolled his eyes. “Look, you could just talk to Pidge. Maybe something came up over the weekend and he couldn’t call you. An emergency or something like that.”

“Yeah,” Lance mumbled, kicking a stray rock.

“Taco-shirt guy is really that worth it?”

“Dude, you saw him! He’s adorable! He’s like a little raccoon!”

“A raccoon?”

“Yeah, you know, with those gloves he was wearing, soft shaggy black hair and a desperate need for either concealer or to stop pulling all-nighters? Anyways, he’s fun to hang out with, and he’s nice, and—”

Lance suddenly inhaled sharply, eyes narrowed across the quad, teeth gritting.

“And there’s the little quiznaker now.”

*****

Keith was completely and utterly miserable. He had spent the weekend moping and cursing himself for not getting Taco-Shirt Guy’s name and number, and making pathetic sounds while staring at the selfie, and debating on whether he was desperate enough to ask Pidge or Shiro for either name or number. He knew they would give it to him, but not without any small amount of teasing. Plus, he knew he would only sound totally dumb and desperate and—

“KEITH KWAN!!!!”

Keith jumped at hearing his name roared across the quad and his eyes widened slightly as a very irritated looking Taco-Shirt Guy came running at him, full-speed, even with his backpack on. Taco-Shirt Guy jumped over two freshman girls studying on a picnic blanket, ducked past two sophomores playing with a Frisbee, and skidded to a stop so as to not step on a squirrel, take a side-step around the squirrel, then kept running.

All the while, Keith stood frozen.

Oh, quiznak. 

This was awful. This wasn’t at all a good thing.

Taco-Shirt Guy was here.

And not only had Keith essentially ghosted him by never calling, _he didn’t even know the guy’s name_.

He couldn’t even be like _“Oh, hey, so-and-so, sorry I didn’t get a chance to call you, xyz happened…”_

Nope, Keith was shaping up to look like a total jerk.

So when Taco-Shirt Guy stopped in front of him, panting and seething, Keith opened his mouth to say something.

He had several options.

A simple “Hi.”

A slightly longer greeting of, “Hey, man, sorry about not getting back to you this weekend.”

He could have even ‘fessed up, “I know you’re angry with me, but I totally goofed up and forgot to get your phone number and was too embarrassed to get it from our mutual friends. Also, the music was really loud at the party and I don’t think I’m absolutely certain on your name.”

But what came out of his mouth?

“Um… Who are you again?”

*****

_Um, who are you again?_

_Who are you again?_

_WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?!?!?!?_

“Um, the name’s Lance?”

Lance felt his irritation grow as he only got a blank stare and a slow blink in response.

“You know,” He said through gritted teeth. “The taco-shirt guy?”

Still nothing but a wide, blank stare.

“The guy you ghosted!” Lance said, trying hard to keep his voice at a neutral level and not screech.

“I remember you,” Keith said suddenly. Then his voice turned insistent, “I remember you! Really! But you said to call you, and I wanted to call you all weekend, but then I realized I never got your phone number and—”

“Never got my phone number?” Lance repeated incredulously. Then he took a deep breath and shouted, “I TEXTED YOU A SELFIE OF US, YOU CUTE LITTLE RACCOON OF A HUMAN BEING! YOU GOT MY NUMBER THROUGH THAT TEXT!”

*****

The world came crashing down on Keith.

Error 404, Keith.exe could not be found.

The text. With the selfie. The selfie that was now his phone background. 

He could have just looked at the text. From an unknown number. And known that that was Taco-Shir—, er, Lance’s phone number.

Also, he was a cute little raccoon of a human being??? What did that even mean???

Keith swallowed and looked down at the ground as Lance panted following his outburst.

“So, um,” Keith said, looking up nervously at Lance. “You, uh, you wanna taco ‘bout it?”

*****

Lance stared at him for a moment in stunned silence, then the tension left his shoulders and his scowl turned into a grin. Before he knew it, he was shaking with laughter, wrapping his arms around his middle.

He was kind of miffed.

But at the same time, this was actually kind of funny.

“Yeah, man,” He said, wiping away a tear of mirth. “Let’s go taco ‘bout it.”

“Hey, and it’s Tuesday,” Keith said, smiling slightly. “You know what that means?”

“Oh, I know what that means,” Lance said. He held out his hand to Keith. “May I have the honor of escorting you to Taco Tuesday in the caf?

“Of course,” Keith said, accepting Lance’s hand. “It’s a date.”


End file.
